Writing in Scientific American, gay evolutionary psychologist Jesse Bering delves into the theories explored by Gordon Gallup as to why human penises have a relatively unique shape and large dimension, compared to the dicks of other species.
Most of the thinking has to do with reproductive success, and yeah, (ew!) vaginas. It turns out women are sluts, and there is an evolutionary need for human males not only to spooge way up in their partner’s hoo-ha, but also to scoop out whatever cum is left inside her from the last guy she fucked — and that’s what your big mushroom-shaped glans and coronal ridge does!
[The] “semen displacement theory” is the most intriguing part of Gallup’s story. We may prefer to regard our species as being blissfully monogamous, but the truth is that, historically, at least some degree of fooling around has been our modus operandi for at least as long we’ve been on two legs. Since sperm cells can survive in a woman’s cervical mucus for up to several days, this means that if she has more than one male sexual partner over this period of time, say within 48 hours, then the sperm of these two men are competing for reproductive access to her ovum…
Penises were sculpted in such a way that the organ would effectively displace the semen of competitors from their partner’s vagina, a well-synchronized effect facilitated by the “upsuck” of thrusting during intercourse… the effect of thrusting would be to draw other men’s sperm away from the cervix and back around the glans, thus “scooping out” the semen deposited by a sexual rival.
So, in summation, your cock has a head on it so that, if you were a functioning heterosexual, your sperm would have a better chance of making a baby — not because it’s pretty. And you go soft right away so as to not scoop your own sperm when you pull out.
Just be glad you’re not a cat! (See video below — the barbs on a cat’s penis have the same spooge scooping affect.)
Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That? (Scientific American)
Below: "The Long Stroke," the cable news spoof, the candid photos, your new favorite euphemism and the great Christian retreat.
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