The Sword’s Gay Porn Predictions for 2013!

Have you been racking your brain trying to figure out what will happen to your favorite studios and stars in the new year? Well, stop wondering and take a look inside of The Sword’s gay porn crystal ball(s) for all the answers. Here are The Sword’s Gay Porn Predictions for 2013:

—In 2013, a certain fledgling Southern California gay porn studio with an identity crisis (are they into S&M movies or college jocks fucking on leather couches?) will be bought out by a straight porn conglomerate (not Manwin—they have enough problems to deal with right now LOL!) and turned into a tranny/bi porn studio with $1 trial memberships that re-bill after 12 hours at a rate of $79.95. All two current employees will be fired and given two weeks severance, with the option of staying on part time as fluffers for the trannies.

—Speaking of Manwin, in 2013, HBIC Fabian will be locked up and sentenced in Germany, and the rest of the company will slowly but surely be dismantled thanks to German law (and all those back taxes Fabian owed). Don’t worry though, because Naughty Laura, Tommy Defendi, Landon Conrad, Andrew Stark, and Johnny Rapid will always be welcome up here at The Sword. If Rocco Reed can maintain an erection for more than 45 seconds, he can come to.

—In 2013, The Sword’s Zach Sire will have a complete and total epic meltdown after it is revealed that Mick Lovell was never the one talking to him via his Twitter account, and it was in fact just a company marketing rep. Sire will enter into a mental institution and abandon his post as editor-in-chief of The Sword, at which point Chelsea will be promoted to take over. Sorry, bitches!!

—In 2013, Cody Cummings and PAIGE will announce the launch of their new studio, “FuckOffFaggots.com,” with scenes including Cody Cummings eating pussy, watching football, and getting sucked off by Next Door Studios President Stephan Sirard while Cody mumbles the word “faggot” under his breath. Memberships are $3.00/month for women, $50/month for men, and $99/week for faggots.

—Based on the big response from their previous fetish film, Hot House will release Anal Milking 2: Sister Roma’s Turn, in which, well, bye.

—Bryan Cole and Duncan Black will finally break up in 2013, and the only one who can comfort them both in their times of need is The Sword’s Zach Sire, but unfortunately he’s still in a mental hospital, so they get back together.

—In 2013, Chi Chi LaRue gets hired to DJ at Fabscout Howard’s 80th birthday party in Miami and everyone is in bed by 9 p.m.

—Paddy O’Brian is actually a woman.

—Conner Habib and Colby Keller will agree to finally join forces in 2013 and put out a series of books (like the Babysitter’s Club) tackling sexual questions from fans, entitled Not-So-“Straight” Talk From The C&C Sexy Factory. It will then be turned into a full-length feature film starring Drew Barrymore and Anne Hathaway (the movie changed it so that it was straight women writing advice to gay guys).

—All blogs will still be awful in 2013.

 

13 thoughts on “The Sword’s Gay Porn Predictions for 2013!”

  1. So, is the Bryan Cole/Duncan Black prediction progressing on schedule? I noticed they’ve both removed their links to each other as boyfriends on their twitters.

  2. I believe the one about Paddy. It makes perfect sense. It explains why he always looks either bored or disgusted as if he were about to vomit on the guy he is fucking. In his heart he is probably a militant lesbian.

  3. I predict the total collapse of two major gay porn producing companies and the merger of the remaining companies. Flyover country will finally figure out Titan, Falcon, Raging Stallion and Channel 1 have been making virtually the same movie tired video for the last 10 years and charging double or triple what straight companies charge for original content shot in HD. Sales will continue to plummet as more and more people discover the internet.

  4. The Connor Habib/ Colby Keller idea is already in the works. Having nothing to do with them but there is a girl buddy comedy where they write advice to gay men to get straight guys. Cody Cummings makes a cameo.

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