Efron’s hair, Zac Efron’s face, or Zac Efron’s gay PDA. We aren’t simply referring to how inarguably, undeniably gay Zac Efron is, but rather turning our attention toward an anomaly so strange and perverse, we had to spend all day on Google to even scrape the surface of it: Disney’s Jonas Brothers (pictured). These three brothers from Wyckoff, New Jersey, raised rigorously Christian, have taken the tween world by storm in a coup d’état the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the days of Hanson and the Backstreet Boys. Whether they realize it or not, they’re transmitting some strong gay vibes. To sum it all up:
1. Nick keeps giving us gayface. The brother on the left looks a little different from the other two, is the cutest according to Miley Cyrus, and also has type 1 diabetes. However, his accidental pursing of the lips and cheekbone suckage, not to mention his expansive past on the Broadway stage, have us wondering if there’s something else that sets him apart from the pack.
2. Joe has Steven Cojocaru hair! Joe, known to fans as the funny one in the group with a crude sense of humor, is looking a little bit Glamour Interrupted these days. His hair straightening habit has become an unhealthy addiction, and his blazer looks like it came from the juniors’ department!
3. However, he sports a ring on his left ring finger. A promise ring? Premature engagement? Cojo hair and a flare for accessories? …Interesting.
3. Not to mention his attention to landscaping those crazy eyebrows. I mean, who does he think he is? Erin O’Connor?
4. Kevin’s mutton chops scream “future bear”. His outfit is the most metrosexual of the bunch, and he’s already keen on sporting as much visual pubescent hair that he possibly can without being censored by the Disney corp. Today, a sound studio in Burbank. Tomorrow: The Eagle L.A.
5. Have you heard the lyrics to their song “That’s Just The Way We Roll”? “We are wild, we are free / We are more than you think / So call us freaks / That’s just the way we roll” they sing about waking up on the roof with each other. “We’re never gonna fake it,” they promise, before remarking “You’ve got moves, I’ve got shoes!” Yeah. Okay. Someone better tell Steve Cruz we just found his condom campaign a new theme song.
6. Their outfits at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards were whimsical, post-Queer-Eye, and candy colored. They looked so gay, that Perez Hilton gave them an A+. When you get a thumbs up from someone who dresses like this, it’s time to re-evaluate the way you’re coming across.
7. They’ve each made a pledge to stay a virgin until marriage, conveniently eliminating intimate relationships with women from their blossoming public lives. Too scared to admit that they’re terrified of female anatomy, this virginity claim sounds like a perfect way to keep their Disney execs happy and their momager out of their hair. Brilliant move, boys!
8. They’re in a boy band. Regardless of how many dozens of children the ex-members of Hanson have, and how many beer sluts Nick Lachey insists on dating, being in a boy band is the gayest profession a guy could ever possibly have, and that includes go-go dancing and escorting. Their masculinity has been surrendered. Whichever one is the gay one, they’re all total fags.
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Does this include Boyz II Men, Bell Biv Devoe, Another Bad Creation and the yet to be formed by PDiddy (If He Was King) himself in ‘Making The Band’?