The Sword Presents: The Week in Gay Photos

Without further ado…

10. The Castro Begins its Extreme Makeover for the Filming of Gus Van Sant’s Harvey Milk Biopic.
Construction crews began work this week on transforming yuppie furniture store “given” back into Harvey’s camera store from the ’70s, and gave a new paint job to the Castro Theater in order to restore it to its former technicolor glory, decades after it was painted beige. “Even our local homeless people are commenting about the changes,” marvels GayCities evidently surprised that homeless people know how to speak. Next on the agenda: flooding the streets with amyl nitrate rivers and bringing Chad Douglas back from the dead. (Photo courtesy of GayCities.com.)

9. An Elephant Never Forgets Carlo Masi
Not one to let the fickle politics of muscle porn affect his unsinkable spirit, Carlo Masi looked toward the future, made a new email address, found inspiration in a creature even bigger than he is, proceeded to latch onto its trunk and attempt fellatio, jerk it until it smacked him in the face, and uploaded the photos to his myspace page so we could all look at them and go “Awwwwww!”

8. Zack Randall Demonstrates How Dirty Boys Get Clean
We’re living in a filthy, filthy time. Whether you’ve just contracted the staph superbug (see number 7.) or you’ve just been urinated on at the Adult Entertainment Expo, nothing will help you wash away the sin like taking a shower in a transparent cube behind the bar at a party filled with escorts and sleazy old men. Nothing, that is, except maybe a visit from Xenu.

7. PANIC BUTTON.
A new strain of a “staph superbug” finds itself unleashed on the gay community, causing panic, organizational urges to cease panicking, and right-wing efforts to get us to panic more. We’re just going to hide out with our porn and you can wake us when it’s safe to have sex again.

6. Someone Finally Calls Marc Jacobs on his Non-Stop Bullshit, Demands a Check.
Siberian-born and NYC-based “homo terrorist” artist Slava Mogutin is calling foul on the Marc Jacobs brand for ripping off one of his photos. “It’s not the first time my artwork has been used as an ‘inspiration material’ by the evil fashion industry,” Mogutin blogged. “Just for the record: the bag wasn’t mine and I’ve never bought, owned or worn a single Gucci item. Ilya & I found that now famous shopping bag in an apartment in St. Petersburg where I was staying in the winter of 2001. I could never imagine that this photo would be reproduced, exhibited and copied so much over the past few years and end up in the private collection of Tom Ford. To me, it’s an ANTI-FASHION image, ‘a portrait of a body as merchandise,’ as one critic put it.”

5. Cole Ryan, Come Play With Us!
Via Fleshbot: “‘This inhuman place makes human monsters’ repeats The Shining‘s Danny Torrance in an eerie foreboding of the darkness one feels three days into the AVN Expo.

4. Roman Heart Gets One Step Closer to Becoming an Actual Ganguro Girl
You know we love you, Roman Heart. A relationship such as ours is too precious for us to compromise. That being said, don’t make us call our best homegirl over here to twist your ear and ask you what the hell you think you’re doing wearing blackface, cracker. Get into that bathroom and wipe that shit off before we whoop your ass!

3. Damien Crosse Debuts His Tongue-Pose
Remember when Lindsay Lohan started looking over her shoulder at paparazzi, and then all of the other girls started doing it so then she started flashing a peace sign and they copied that one too? Damien Crosse has come up with a fabulous idea for her next signature move on the red carpet: allowing your tongue to hang out of your mouth while looking skyward with a blank expression like a canine in heat! Let’s cut the crap, Linds. We know you’re a slut like Damien, so start posing like one! Or, you know, don’t.

2. R.I.P. Brad Renfro
Forever young.

1. Clay Aiken Chokes the Chicken and Gives Us Nightmares for the Rest of Our Lives
You knew this was coming. When we came up with the idea to do a week in gay photos, we never knew we’d have to start with such a tragic bang (or flourish of cymbals, chimes, and smooth clarinet). This is officially the gayest thing we’ve ever seen, no matter how “straight” he’s pretending to be. Riddle us this, Lord of the Claymates: If you aren’t gay, then why do we feel so ashamed? And why do you look like you’re wearing a Michael Myers mask from a Halloween store?