Take a lesson from Lance, Lindsay and Clay, queers: You aren’t helping anyone but your agent by staying in the closet.
*OK, there’s one or two who we’d prefer stayed closeted, but for the sake of civil rights we’re putting them down anyway. Here goes.
And now, the list.
10. Tom Cruise
He’s batshit insane, probably from all those years rooting out his inner Thetan and punching himself in the head every time he lets himself think of penises and pecs while he masturbates. We’re actually inclined to believe the tale about wrestling with Big Red that came via Paul Barresi (which Barresi later retracted, perhaps because he was thoroughly *convinced* to do so). Therefore we’re inclined to believe that whatever Tom’s true sexuality is, he’s sublimated it enough behind the terrestrial being that is “Tom Cruise” that we’ll probably never know the truth, and Tom will probably never know real love or joy.
Degree of Outness: 0.5 out of 10 (anyone who’d sue so many over so many rumors…) See our Matrix here.
Do We Care?: Well, not a lot. But he remains pretty fucking famous and maybe, if he were ever freed from all the auditing and anti-homo soul cleansing of the Hubbard-ites, he might turn out to be a good gay.
9. Ricky Martin
Degree of Outness: 5 out of 10
Do We Care?: Sure. He still has a nice ass; we’d be first in line for the sex tape.
8. John Travolta
Literary Daddy Armistead Maupin recently suggested that Scientology Inc. tape records its members’ darkest confessions as part of what they call an “audit,” then wields those recordings as blackmail should the member ever consider leaving the “church.” Until Travolta’s tape is recovered — and if it ever is, keep vomit bags handy during the listening party – we’ll have to settle for pictures of John’s “customary, non-romantic” manny smooch and quotes like: “It must have worked [dressing in drag for Hairspray] since guys from the crew were hitting on me. I was so flirted with and so groped! I was convinced I was a slut because I was like: ‘Go ahead – touch me! I don’t care!'”
Degree of Outness: 3 out of 10
Do We Care?: It would maybe warrant a second viewing of Saturday Night Fever, but excepting that, hell no.
7. Laurence Fishburne
Degree of Outness: 6 out of 10
Do We Care?: No, not really.
6. Anderson Cooper
If Anderson Cooper is under contractual obligation to remain in the closet, that contract certainly does not prevent him from appearing in the gayest segments ever. Here he is cavorting in leather fetish shop while sporting a Dom Daddy facemask. And here he is flailing around naked in a tanning booth. He may not be out, but his place in gaydom is secure. Because of him, the term ‘silver fox’ is nearly as played out as ‘twink’ and ‘bear,’ and the giggly anchor has already given several tight-bodied hotties their fifteen minutes. With you, Anderson, we’d last maybe three.
Degree of Outness: 8 out of 10
Do We Care?: Absolutely. We trust the news more when we can visualize the anchor plowing his grey bush into some glittery twink ass.
5. Chace Crawford
Degree of Outness: 3 out of 10 (he gets an extra point for chilling with JC Chasez)
Do We Care?: Fuck yes! We’d be on that like white on rice.
4. P. Diddy
Forget all the baby mammas and video hos. A source close to us claims that Diddy Dong grabbed a male friend’s ass during a styling session for his MTV Making the Band series. (What’s up with his hard-on for boy bands anyway?) And of course there’s his annual White Party, which shares its name with the biggest, fog-machiniest circuit party out there. And the fact that he couldn’t wait to get into fashion design the second Biggie died kind of felt like an emancipated sigh of gaylief. Plus, he’s black. So. You know.
Degree of Outness: 2 out of 10
Do We Care?: Only if it meant he’d start dressing like a fag, too. Oh wait.
3. Zac Efron
Degree of Outness: 2 out of 10
Do We Care?: Uh, yeah. If he came out, every girl in America would like simultaneously shit and cry and pass out and we’d be popping champagne corks for days.
2. Will Smith
OK, even though we’ve previously discussed the 100% truth of Will Smith’s (alleged) gayness–and even though he and Jada have all but admitted that they’re swingers and it’s only for the sake of the kids, probably, that they haven’t brought the Access Hollywood cameras into their dungeon playspace where Will keeps his twinks tied up and fed intravenously–we still have to put him near the top of our list because, well, he’s a huge star. And we’re starfuckers. And he likes being naked, a lot. Any questions?
Degree of Outness: 7 out of 10
Do We Care?: See above.
1. James Franco
Degree of Outness: 1 out of 10
Do We Care?: Yes! Hollywood’s leading stoner hunk coming out of the closet would finally render Lance Bass obsolete for good.
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KEVIN SPACEY
EDDIE MURPHY
TIM CURRY
HUGH JACKMAN
MATT DALLAS
JONATHAN BENNETT
SEAN HAYES
CARROT TOP
Sorry, but I’d pick Hugh Jackman, an off-the-charts flamer and much more talented than any of these irritating ‘mos, except for Franco that is.
That pic of James Franco is redic hot.
What about Hayden Christenson? I hear he’s a big ‘mo.