Is “Daddy” an insult, a fetish, or a term of endearment? As men approach a certain age they might start to hear it applied to them. Some guys love it, some not so much. If you’re just not into it is it vanity and self-loathing or just not for you? Let’s dive in.
Tyler –
I don’t know if this is something you would talk about on your blog or wherever, but I’m a guy in my late 40s who tends to aim younger for hookups and dates. Lately (the last 5-6 years) every guy I’m with wants to get into “daddy” role play and I’m just not into it.
Call me vain, but I’m not ready to play somebody’s dad before I’m even 50. The last time I brought up my dislike, it became an issue that we couldn’t work through, and he stopped returning my texts. Is it wrong for me not to want to dad somebody who is only a few years younger than me?
-Not Your Dad
Firstly: thank you for bringing this up, and for doing it in a way that wasn’t dismissive or cruel or ageist or any of the other ways I could have envisioned an email like this going.
Secondofly: I’m sure I’ve said it before here, but there is no such thing as “wrong” when it comes to what you’re comfortable with, sexually (or personally, or romantically, or any other context where you have every right to define how you are addressed and treated). We talk about this as a culture, as it relates to women more often than we do with men, but the rules are the same: If it doesn’t work for you, then that’s all there is to it.
If, after you’ve made this clear, your partner chooses not to respect it or tells you that it’s wrong, bad, or silly, then that might be all there is to that, too. What’s the benefit of being with someone (even if it’s just for quick sex) who wants you to know they don’t respect your wishes?
[RELATED POST: IN GAY PORN, IS AGE JUST A NUMBER?]
Thirdish: daddy stuff is tricky. It’s become – via the watering down, mainstreaming, and commercialization of white gaydom – very rote for younger men to call anyone on the plus side of five years from their current age “daddy,” in a casual sort of slang-y way. I’m guilty of it myself, but there’s usually more at play when I’m doing it, than a thoughtless lisp of the tongue. But none of that overrides your personal discomfort with that label. If you’re not a “daddy” and find some element of that tag to be offensive or off-putting, say so, and keep saying it until the behavior changes.
Fourthling: the phrasing of your email makes me wonder if you’re conflating the “daddy” label of XTube, and Grindr, and any number of other generic gay hookup apps and websites, with actual father/son role-play, which is a whole other beast (one that not everybody is comfortably addressing, however prevalent it may be).
I write about that arena a lot at my personal blog, largely in connection with my lifelong fascination with Handjobs Magazine. Handjobs was a very unique publication featuring erotic stories and comics that pivoted around what they termed “daddy/boy and older guy/younger guy” relationships. For whatever reason (there are lots of theories) this trope has a deep and thriving connection to gay sexuality and gay pornography. It isn’t necessarily that gay dudes want to have sex with their actual dads, but the social taboo of incesty relationships fuels sites like Family Dick, Icon Male, and Mormon Boyz, and is fodder for endless mainstream releases about step brothers and half brothers (and my friend’s brothers, and my friend’s dad, and on and on). It is a real and prevalent fantasy space for gay men in particular.
If you were referring to this kind of scene-setting between you and your younger wards, and it is an area of fantasy with which you are absolutely not comfortable, you need to express that immediately, and refuse to participate. Role play can be a great way to experiment and to even exorcise some emotional demons. But if both players aren’t equally comfortable with and invested in the scene being set, it can be a recipe for disaster.
[RELATED POST: DAD’S AT BAT]
Final Thought: You don’t have to be dad or a daddy. Not at ‘almost 50,’ and not ever. If a label doesn’t suit you, then make your preferences known and make sure they are respected. If they aren’t respected, it might be time to find yourself another son, er… boy… guy to have fun with.
WHAT TO YOU THINK? Are you a “Daddy” or do you use the term? Love it? Hate it? What does it mean to you? Sound off in the comments below.
Once per month or so, we’ll use this space to answer reader-submitted questions about sex, sex work, porn, and gay stuff. I’ll share what I know, and source the answers to stuff I don’t.
If you’ve got an Uncomfortable Ask, share it with me and I’ll do my best to find some truth for you.
Tyler Dårlig Ulv is an Ontario-based blogger and professional companion. He has worked for Rentboy.com, Manhunt, and contributed to publications like Queerty and Thought Catalog. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram, or find out more about his work at his website and blog. Tyler lives full time in Toronto.
Ugh, you’re such a hypocrite.
“I’m sure I’ve said it before here, but there is no such thing as “wrong” when it comes to what you’re comfortable with, sexually”
Actually, what you’ve said before about preferences is you’ve called people racist because of their preferences in “type”. And while I agree that stating in a profile “No (fill in race)” is inappropriate, I don’t agree that because one might prefer sex with one demographic over another, that makes them any word that ends is “cist”. Personally I am an equal opportunity sexual being. But I don’t cast judgment on others for their preferences, as you do. Unless, of course, it fits into your need to provide an answer to someone’s question.
I still don’t see what makes you an appropriate choice for giving sex advice. You’re a sex worker, but that’s about it…
Keep spouting off ill-advised advice in poorly crafted sentence structures. You only make the other Sword contributes look better.
The term “daddy” has many meanings for many different men. Some men like the guy above. If he does not like it when seeking sex, let them know you are not into role playing daddy/boy . Part of the reason “daddies” are hot in gay sex is due to many guys seeing their dads as the first hot male in their life. If they have seen their dads naked, they act out on it in seeking daddies.