You don’t believe us? To prove our point, we’ve outlined four specific criteria one can look for to determine if what we see is a “bromance” or an outright “analsexmance.”
1. One of the involved bros is openly harboring unrequited love for the other, played out through physical flirtation such as wrestling or ripping the poor dude’s shirt off. You may have seen this dynamic, typically in a gay/straight friendship, on Bravo’s TV show Make Me A Supermodel when Ronnie (big ‘mo) expressed his desire for Ben (straight prison guard) and the two became known as “Bronnie” and labeled as a bromance by the show’s producers. While that’s all well and cute if you’re into misappropriating English slang, Urban Dictionary defines a bromance as a relationship between two straight males, so we hate to burst Ben’s bubble, but we’re dropping the B. Hey! If you drop the B from “Bronnie” you just get Ronnie, and that equals gay (whatever, just stay with us here).
2. Everytime you and your bro are photographed by paparazzi, you have your shirts off or you’re exclusively wearing matching outfits. Our old boys Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong might know a thing or two about this public image nightmare.
As if working out together doesn’t seem flaming enough, they dress alike while they’re at it! The wonder twins of Gaytown U.S.A. hardly require an explanation, but maybe we can trace this uniformity back to buddies like Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra while we’re at it, and we’ll finally get people to talk about something more interesting than Marilyn Monroe’s sex tape.
3. The two bros are doing it with the same chick. This applies also to the lesbian/straight man bromance that took place on MTV’s A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila between Dani and Bobby, because if you’re both doing it with the same Polynesian internet whore, you might as well be fucking each other.
4. Your attempt at “brotherly love” misses the “brotherly” part and skips straight to the love portion of the program… and by “love” we mean “blowjob”. Not every Hollywood bromance equals a secret gay romance. We know that sometimes we can veer off course into hyperbole, we’re self-aware obsessives!
We’re the first to admit that we don’t think Ben Affleck and Matt Damon have ever even exchanged a peck on the mouth, but were on the same road to stardom from the same neighborhood by chance and thus developed a bond. It’s similarly obvious that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman became friends as well because they grew up with the same name, the same fame, and the same love for hard drugs.We’re not daft! However, just as we are 90% certain that David Bowie and Mick Jagger did the nasty and loved one another quite physically back in Ziggy’s hey day, we’re 9,000% positive that JC and Chace glamming up their private lives with pearl necklaces and hip thrusts alike.
RELATED:
Chace Crawford Texts Carrie Underwood From JC Chasez’s Crotch: “Srry, It’s Over :(“
JC Chasez Is Totally Fagging Out Over All Those Gay Rumors, Girl
Barron Hilton Released From Jail… But Is He Gay?
TREND: Overanalyzing the “Bromance” (Gawker)
well done, dude