Which One Of These OK Cupid Messages Should I Reply To?

One year ago I joined the online dating service OKCupid because I was lonely, depressed, and probably drunk. I created a profile, uploaded photos, and remember browsing a few guys’ profiles before I passed out in a pool of my own tears and/or vomit(?) and alcohol and never visited the site again. Until today. I just logged in to my OKCupid profile for the first time in a year, and here are all the messages that were waiting for me.

Which, if any, of the below men should I reply to (assuming they are even still awaiting my reply–it’s been a year!) and go on a date with?

Privacy issues forbid me from posting my suitors’ full names and photos, but I think that makes your job of picking a match for me that much more fun and that much more meaningful. It’s like The Voice only instead of a singing competition it’s a horrifying glimpse into my pathetic life.

But still, who would you pick if you were me (and clearly, thank God you are not) and you could reply to one of these actual messages?

1. “ryan”:
You are so adorable, and I loved your profile, would love to get to know you more and become penpals, and who knows maybe even meet someday!! :-) Hope this message finds you well!! Ryan xx

2. “ronald”:
Hi Zachary, I am curious to know about you. You have a spartan profile. Please share with me your three traits you look for in a romantic partner. How do you see yourself 10 years from now? My name is Ronald. I look forward to getting to know you.
Yours sincerely,
Ron

3. “albert”:
Hi cutie

4. “tennislove”:
hi, how are you?

5. “steve”:
Hey there cutie :) You’re hot!! Don’t really know much about ya but would like to find out!! I too work a lot so it’s awesome whenever I get a good enough reason to have some fun!!! Perhaps we can get to know each other over couple drinks & see how things go? I hope I hear back from ya, I know there’s a good time to be had ;)
–Steve

6. “sanchez”:
hey. whats going on?

7. “musiq”:
Wink — your profile made me laugh, thx

8. “corey”
sweet photos.

9. “doran”
a/s/l?

10. “jsimmon”
love your photos. nudes?

11. “shane”
Cute. Not into femme guys though do you still have a beard or not?

12. “zander”
Vers bottom here for you. whatever you want.

13. “gilbert”
Hi Zachary. I recently moved to San Francisco and am honestly just looking to meet new friends–nothing serious and not in a “relationship” frame of mind right now since I’m still dating someone long distance but I’m open to starting something new, maybe. I’m a big reader, which makes me thinks we’d have a lot to discuss since you’re a writer ;) I’m a huge Dean Koontz buff. Do you know of any book clubs that meet in the city?

14. “bradley”
Hi. Nice.

15. “rene”
When can u meet

16. “orlando”
I feel like we met before but I don’t know. You look like my ex lol. Are you on Grindr?

17. “nicco”
Funny.

18. “reggie”
Can’t figrue out how to uplad pics how did you?

19. “ian”
Hey.

 

Help.

 

12 thoughts on “Which One Of These OK Cupid Messages Should I Reply To?”

  1. Whose pictures did you use for someone to describe you as ‘cute’ or ‘adorable’. HA…. kidding.

    Anywhooooooo…….after getting over the intial shock that your soulmate(s) Mick Lovell and Dustin Black didn’t respond to your ad ……..

    I say go with Ian …. he sounds mysterious and romantic with his response ‘Hey’. (Gilbert is a big reader, so he’d be my choice ……but he’s in a long distance relationship and open to something new ….maybe. Oh Gilbert, how you play with my heart. You BASTARD.)

  2. Steve sounds like one of the nicest guys through his introduction. I guess it depends whether you’re looking for love, sex or a combination of both. Steve actually took the time to be honest, provide a little insight into himself and to let you know that he’s interested in getting to know you. If you were to respond now, you might need to start with something like: “sorry it has taken me over a year to respond, I’ve been inundated with messages and got to yours as quickly as I could”. LOL ~ Brad.

  3. lol @ #11

    You know I always found it hilarious when people on apps like grindr and scruff put in “no femmes” yet their profile pics are the gayest things I’ve ever seen. Seems like they carry enough femme for both of the guys in a relationship that more would be overkill.

  4. I vote for “doran”. He’s so laconic, like a classic American cowboy. Writing “a/s/l” gets to the point of all relationships: age sex and location. It’s simplicity is like a haiku of horniness but without all those troublesome whole words that haikus use. I imagine conversations with him lasting into the night, especially the nights when I’ve been drinking on Ambien.

  5. Don’t know why you are being sarcastic. Everyone sounds lovely. Definitely beats “I wanna lick your asshole” as opening lines.

    I prefer people who start with “hi” personally as I suspect people with long introductory messages tend to just copy and paste them. But without pictures, we can’t pick

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