to accompany the intro and outro of the flick, these
are the times we almost can’t believe our beloved pastime isn’t more
mainstream and outspokenly accepted. After all, we’re living in a
Britney-centric society where success is gaged by whether or not
something has become so bad that it’s good (or in more polysyllabic
terms, ironical!). We now present to you our Top 5 List of the
Greatest Porn Theme Songs we can recall at this particular moment on
the job.
1. Manhattan Skyline (HIS Video)
This pastel colored-pencil filtered opening ditty sets up the movie to be something of a coming-of-age, John Waters high school movie, only about a college-aged boy coming to Manhattan for the first time. Doesn’t that sound cute? Too bad the movie is actually about “hot action for country boy Scott as he shoots his way to the top of the nightclub circuit with the help of an all-star cast of 14 muscle-bound, monster-hung studs.” There’s no Ferris Bueller in sight but the theme song is pure 80s feel-good cheese. **Note: This song, along with many of the songs to follow, was penned by the incomparable gay porn anthem scribe Sharon Kane. See if you can guess which others she wrote! You’ve got to wait till the end credits of the movies to find out.
2. The Velvet Mafia (Falcon)
This theme song was performed by queer San Francisco rock band Mon Cousin Belge, paying tribute to the themes of porn past in an era where we’ve settled for no theme songs at all in lieu of fast-forwarding to the real action of the movie. They sat behind us at the 2007 GayVN Awards at the Castro Theater and made a huge scene and got escorted out when they didn’t win the award for best song. It may have seemed belligerent at the time, but we would have done the same thing.
3. Spring Break (Falcon)
Hey! This singer’s voice sounds kind of like Boy George! The lyrics are all about putting away schoolbooks and getting ready for vacation, while images of tan, cut California dudes scroll by and remind us of those summer seasons on Beverly Hills 90210. While one might anticipate volleyball, a beach house and some general hijinks a la Steve Sanders, the movie has a lot of more seemly plot twists lurking around the corner-like an uncle with a huge schlong who fucks his nephew on the sofa and then shoves a buttplug up his ass so the cum won’t dribble out, followed by a super-hardcore dildo scene involving a sling. Nowadays, when movies are extra raunchy they give them titles like “Folsom Filth” and “Fuck My Eager Hungry Hole.” Back in the old days, I guess they had to market everything like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
4. Night Flight (Falcon)
If this movie is called Night Flight, then why is the airplane taking off during the daytime? Who cares! This aerial opening features a really cool graphic for the video’s title, and the cover star of the porn is a guy who named himself after pre-murder-trial O.J. Simpson (O.G. Johnson). The camp-o-meter is turned all the way up on this one.
5. Idol In The Sky (Odyssey) NSFW!!!!!!
The theme to Idol In The Sky is the best porn theme song we’ve ever heard. Not only does it extend past the usual length and confuse us at first into thinking it’s a trailer (with a fully hardcore montage playing with rapid-fire edits and hilarious closeups) but there’s also this interlude where Ryan Idol RAPS! Nothing is more painful than a white person rapping in the 80s by reading off of a sheet of paper, but Ryan’s “acting” has us convinced. Look at the intensity in those eyes! Idol’s gonna fly that plane! Yeah!! Totally?
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NIGHT FLIGHT AWAAAYYYY!!!!! Totes stuck in me head!