There are many factors that go into “the perfect penis,” and if you ask me, they are, in decreasing order of importance: thickness, hardness, length, hue and coloration, proportion, balls, skin texture, vein balance, pubic hair, quality of urethra.
But if you ask Mrs. Candy, the cock-eyed writer of The Perfect Phallus, there is just one overriding factor that decides penis excellence, and that’s The Phallic Ratio.
Borrowing from Ancient Greek notions of ideal proportion, Mrs. Candy has decided that the perfect penis must adequately balance the factors x, y1, y2 and y3, which stand respectively for length, mid-shaft circumferance, lower-shaft circumferance and upper-shaft circumferance. Here’s her original equation, with the ideal Phallic Ratio equal to 0.75:
Phallic Ratio = (y1/x)((y2/y1 + y3/1)/2))
But then some commenters of hers pointed out that the equation was erroneous, and cancelled out y1, or mid-shaft circumference. So now the ammended equation is:
Phallic Ratio = (y1/x)*(1-((y1-y2)*(y1-y3)))
The fact that Mrs. Candy’s equation makes no mention of factors like head size and hardness is more than enough evidence that the Phallic Ratio equation is as dumb as you think it is. Anyway, here’s Mrs. Candy’s example of a penis with the perfect ratio of 0.75. It belongs to 34-year-old James from Wisconsin, and I think that the head is just a wee too small for the penis to be considered proportionately perfect.
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