The following piece comes to us via Guest Swordsman Dennis Dizon.
Here are our 7 favorite right-wing predictions for the nation if Prop. 8 fails–or if Obama becomes president, according to our Jesus-loving friends:
7. 3rd graders will be given condom demonstrations and 7th graders will be reading depressing gay romance novels.
One of the much anticipated consequences, if Prop. 8 fails, is the possibility of teachers teaching alternatives to the traditional marriage. According to a synopsis of Evangelical Christian Dr. James Dobson’s arguments, textbooks will “have to depict man/man and woman/woman relationships…[giving] equal space to homosexuals.” And according to this WorldNet Daily article dating back to 2003, legalizing gay marriage will lead to showing 3rd graders how to put a condom on a banana, and forcing 13-year-olds to write book reports “on a novel where Bruce and Jason meet, date and get married…[then] split up a year later after cheating on each other dozens of times.” So much for Huck Finn!
6. The Boy Scouts will disband lest they be forced to obey the Supreme Court decision that they would have to hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys.
The fundie org Focus on the Family presented a fake letter on their website outlining the nation’s state in 2012 if Barack Obama is elected president. Not only do they suggest the Boy Scouts will disband in fear that gays will harass these young men, but that a presumed civil rights act protecting people engaging in homosexual behavior will hinder the Scouts meeting in public places. If only for the cookies, let’s hope the Girl Scouts can keep it together despite the lesbians in their midst.
5. Legalizing gay marriage will lead directly to polygamy, child prostitution and everyone having 8 mothers-in-law to deal with at Thanksgiving.
The once polygamy-happy Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is one of the biggest donors to “Yes on 8” this coming election, but many modern fundamentalist Christian prophets foresee polygamy becoming quickly common-place in the wake of same-sex marriage becoming legal. And what’s next? There are, of course, the man-marries-horse predictions, and a San Francisco woman already married the Eiffel Tower, so, DEAR LORD, WHAT NEXT? Of course the kids will all become confused, homeless whores. To wit, James C. Dobson of Focus on the Family:
It will be a world where little boys and girls are shuffled from pillar to post in an ever-changing pattern of living arrangements; where huge numbers of them will be raised in foster-care homes or living on the street, as millions do in countries all over the world today… And have you considered what will happen when homosexuals with children become divorced? Instead of two moms and two dads, they will have to contend with four moms or four dads. How would you like to be a new husband a generation later who instantly had four or six or eight mother-in-laws.
4. President Obama will invite homosexual rights leaders to join him at the White House as he signs an executive order directing all branches of the military to abandon their “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and to start actively recruiting homosexuals.
Here’s another bullet from that fake letter; although this one sounds like a gay bukakke film in the making… We’re starting to think the letter’s outlined details are just someone’s repressed homoerotic fantasies.
3. A grotesque culture that includes: “Lesbian bride dolls. Fourth grade ‘gay’ clubs. A king and king at the high school prom. Dating tips for same-sex teens. Bathroom ogling — and sometimes quick encounters — in the middle school boys’ restroom.”
Linda Harvey of pro-family group Mission America (who also wrote that 2003 WorldNet diatribe) describes a grotesque world full of fag fantasies. Grotesque and fun! Now, when she says “club”—does she mean NIGHTclub? Again, someone else will get to live out our middle school desires. But not to be too bitter; a quick encounter in men’s room at Daddy’s will relieve our jealousy.
2. The culture war will be over and the world may soon become “as it was in the days of Noah” (Matthew 24:37, NIV).
Been there, seen that. As if Hollywood hasn’t already taken on the Judgment Day plotline. Twelve Monkeys, Armageddon, Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Hello? We’re prepared for the end of the world to happen. And while we’re waiting, we can only imagine how nice it would be to snuggle with Jake Gyllenhaal in The Day After Tomorrow.
1. Marriage among homosexuals will spread throughout the world, just as pornography did after the Nixon Commission declared obscene material “beneficial” to mankind.
Nixon really said that? A Republican never sounded so sexy. Oh, but how gay the world will be! Gay, in both terms—happy and homosexual. And who doesn’t like happy homosexuals?
And so they say that it’ll be the world’s demise come Nov. 4, if Prop. 8 fails or if Obama becomes the next President of the United States; we think it’ll just be an even bigger party. Besides a few ludicrous predictions, these so-called “gay-liberal threats” have actually suggested more amusing ideas we can only wait to see happen. In the meantime, relax, Deb. Take your Xanax.
Below: "The Long Stroke," the cable news spoof, the candid photos, your new favorite euphemism and the great Christian retreat.
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