March 2008

10 Covers Later, Vanity Fair Finally Realizes Madonna Is a Desperate, Megalomaniacal Cult Leader


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We’ve always wondered if meeting Madonna would be as surreal as we think it would be (or if her eyes would turn us to stone). Rich Cohen seems to be still alive-but just barely-after profiling the pop icon/ singer/ actress/ mother/ African baby buyer/ children’s author/ clothing designer/ eagle-spreader/ movie producer/ writer/ director/ human rights leader/ social activist/ New Yorker/ Angeleno/ Brit/ Michiganite/ Kabbalist/ Catholic/ Brunette and Blonde/ STAR for Vanity Fair.

Mark Dalton Faces Former Bully on Jenny Jones

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Former daytime lunk-head Jenny Jones can’t be blamed for not recognizing Jeremy Sons as porn star Mark Dalton, but we were more than a little amused when Mark (who is currently in prison on charges related to domestic battery) gets called “pretty” by his former high-school rival. We bet he gets that in the klink all the time!

Black Party Kind of “Like Watching Porn But We Couldn’t Fast-Forward Through the Boring Parts”

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Hey everyone! Didja hear? The Black Party was this past weekend in NYC and boy howdy, it was quite a show!  For the $125 price of admission, attendees got to witness all kinds of super crazy goings-on, including, but not limited to: a live sex show involving a pool cue, aging leather daddies bouncing around to house music while having their one big drug night of the year, a tent where many a blowjob was procured, a blackout room where lordy knows what was going on, and many a wide-eyed youngster in his very first harness watching his own innocence evaporate like so much amyl nitrate.

Busloads of Trannies and Gays to Descend on Atlantic City

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With the Black Party over (and no report of any of last year’s “dance-floor incidents“), the aging club kids, rag-tag homosexuals and assorted drunks can look forward to a new event this May: New York promoter and DList.com co-founder Daniel Nardicio has just announced his “Great Atlantic City Road Trip,” which will be on Sunday May 11th.  It may not be the White Party (thank god), but then again it doesn’t cost four hundred bucks.

If Johnny Depp Becomes The Face Of Trojan Magnums, Amalgam Of Our Deepest Fantasies May Cause World’s End


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Johnny Depp has reportedly been asked to be the spokesmodel for Trojan’s Magnum range of plus-sized condoms and offered $10 million should he commit to the campaign. Approached due to his longstanding advocacy of safe sex, Trojan believes that Depp would increase sales and also raise awareness about the benefits of wrapping it up and the deal would extend to the company’s anti-AIDS campaign to help Africa. Before you get your gay panties in a twist, a crucial element to this entire report is the fact that Johnny has not yet agreed to do it. However, he is weighing the pros and cons (which are ostensibly that he’ll literally be selling out, but everyone will assume he has an enormous penis) and “despite his stiff workload” a source reveals to the Daily Star “He’s very interested and he’s trying to figure out if he can fit it in.”

Evangelical Group Trying to Shift Focus to Something More Important Than Keeping Gays from Marrying

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A Washington D.C.-based Christian group called Sojourners/Call to Renewal is reaching out to a younger and somewhat more liberal-minded generation of evangelical voters in Ohio by staging a 3-day “justice revival” that stresses the Christian Right’s roots in fighting for the abolition of slavery and women’s suffrage. The event, which is scheduled for April 16 to April 18, is intended to appeal to younger Christians who may not be indefinitely tied to the Republican party and to shift the dialogue of evangelicals away from their core target issues of the last decade: abortion and gay marriage. 

Trailer: Daniel Nardicio’s Great Gay American Road Trip

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Last summer, DJ and promoter Daniel Nardicio threw a bunch of trannies, drunk go-go boys and NYC party people (including porn star Ben Andrews) into a school bus and drove to New Orleans. Truck stop shenanigans ensued. Now they’re planning a new trip to Atlantic City in May. Watch the trailer from last year’s trip here.

Gay Porn Midterms: The Answers

IN-PornQuizTH.jpg Um, hi. PERVERTED MUCH? 

We were a little overwhelmed with the number of correct answers we got and are still sorting out the winners (a preliminary congrats to “Arch” and “Dave,” but generally an impressive turn-out, folks. To those of you who did a ton of research, impressive work. To those who were able to answer these without cheating: what’s your excuse?

Sacha Baron Cohen “Terrorizes” Kansas Airport By Dancing Around In Hot Pants


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Comedian Sacha Baron Cohen is filming the sequel to his wildly successful theatrical hit Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, based this time around his flamboyant gay Austrian personality, Bruno (pictured). Flouncing around Kansas with his trademark mohawk and eyebrow piercings, Cohen quickly ascended the criminal ranks when he induced panic by acting gay in public. Cohen “sparked outrage in Kansas,” KEYE-TV reports, “by stripping down to a pair of hotpants and terrorizing locals.”

Security in Wichita Airport was placed on “red alert” after Cohen caused a scene “stripping down to tight shorts and dancing in the lobby.” If that doesn’t sound like a crusade to destroy American lives, then we don’t know what is. We have to admit that Bruno has always been our favorite character on Ali G’s program (call us biased!), especially when he gets straight guys to flex and show their body parts unwittingly before revealing to them that they are on Austrian Gay TV, sparking rage and hostility. In the clip after the jump, watch as he “terrorizes” innocent American spring breakers! We have a feeling we have a Best Picture headed our way. 

Avatars, Easter Bunnies, And Assholes: This Week In Gay Photos


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Our favorite gay, homophobic, synthetic and “not-gay” celebrities have made for quite a multicolored springtime week in gay photography. Much like Lil’ Kim and Robin Antin must weed through a gaggle of bellowing, horny teens in order to form the perfect “Girlicious” pop group on network television, so must we tastefully curate ten perfect images which synopsize a week in new boyfriends, blowjobs and blowhards. Ladies and queens, we give you this retarded Week In Gay Photos.

AIDS Organizations Insistent That Rise in AIDS Figures Is Not Misleading, and Therefore They Need More Money

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For the record, we’re not trying to work against The Cause, kids. Alls we’re trying to say is that the new figures released by the Centers for Disease Control are not, in their own words, cause for quite the level of alarm being sounded by 365gay.com and HIV/AIDS organizations who are bitter about cuts to their funding under the Bush Administration. So, we’re playing devil’s advocate in part because we’re bitches about spurious math, and in part because we like to feel like an actual news organization sometimes.

Sites We Love: Boy Culture

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Like many moderns, we spend a lot of time on the internet, and though we won’t presume to be showing you something you haven’t already seen-because we all *know* you’ve been there a dozen times and bought the t-shirt, gurl-we’re going to tell you to just shut up for a second, because we bought your last drink and every so often you might learn something from listening to us.

This week: Boy Culture.

Gay Porn Mid-Terms! Our First Quarter Quiz

IN-PornQuizTH.jpgWhen it comes to matters of the flesh, it’s been an eventful spring. We know that spring break is over for most of you (assuming that any of you, dear readers, are actually young enough to enjoy it), but we’re hoping that the time off from the books has given everyone a chance to catch up on the three months of arrests, awards and AndroGel patches that you might have missed. Do you know Erik Rhodes from Eric Hanson? Can you sing all the words to “I Wanna Teabag You?” The most number of correct answers wins free porn from Michael Lucas and first runner-up, a one-month membership on NakedSword.com.

Weekend Event Roundup: March 28-30


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Care of The Sword’s tireless editors, we bring you this roundup (by
no means complete, or even-handed) of stuff going on for those of the
homo persuasion this weekend in the two meccas we currently have
bandwidth to cover, San Francisco and New York.  Check back soon to see
us cover more gay urban centers near you (sorry, Cheyenne, we may never
get to you).

Our heavily editorialized listings after the jump…

Ten Years On, Viagra Still Helping Tweakers Stay Hard and Infect Others Well Into Sunday

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…Or maybe that’s mostly Cialis.  Anyway, it’s Viagra’s tenth birthday and gays everywhere will be celebrating tonight with a quick trip to the bathhouse for a protein-rich toast and a celebratory round of Superpoke the Power-Bottom. The Wall Street Journal is ringing in this blessed day with an article about how Viagra didn’t really live up to the great capitalist hopes and dreams of manufacturer Pfizer, bringing in roughly $2 billion a year in annual sales-far short of the $20 billion a year the WSJ originally predicted. (*yawn*)

JC Chasez Is Totally Fagging Out Over All Those Gay Rumors, Girl


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It seems as though all of the speculation about JC Chasez and Chace Crawford’s bromance has finally gotten to the former *NSYNC-er, who decided (or, more likely, his publicist decided) that now’s the time to plan a press junket for his TV series on MTV, which is about to end, so he can talk a lot about girls and put the gay rumors to rest. Phoning in a flaming rant to 104.7 KISS FM the other day, JC got down to business. He told hosts JohnJay and Rich:

Trailer: When Boys Fly (TLA, 2002)

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With the Pride circuit season about to start, we
thought it was a good time to revisit this 2002 documentary that follows four
guys to Miami’s White Party, giving viewers an unvarnished look at the forever-aging
circuit and us unrelenting panic attacks. It’s like Pinocchio’s Pleasure Island,
except that instead of donkey ears, in the morning you sprout angel wings. And
crow’s feet.

Buy the DVD here.

I Want My M4MTV: A User’s Guide To Gay Cable

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Gay cable television stations are a little like porn star blogs. You keep hoping and hoping you’re going to find something worth paying attention to, but instead it’s all navel-gazing pep talks and GHB-fueled cautionary tales. Actually, we wish gay cable was that interesting-we took a break this weekend from the porno blogs to see how the non-oral-cumshot-hand-wringing-set entertains itself. We’re going back to smut tomorrow.

Marc Jacobs, Much Like Jennifer Aniston, Will Probably Never Find True Love


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However, unlike Jennifer Aniston (who recently made a vow of celibacy until she finds “the one”) Jacobs has decided he’ll have sex with every guy he sees, just in case. His plan evidently seemed to be working when he found a new romance in the form of “Austin A” (in a cerulean fedora leftwards), that is, until he took him on a getaway to Los Angeles this past weekend. According to Page Six, Jacobs arrived with Austin and a Jason Preston look-alike. “Marc was dressed in a tank top and black sweat pants. He looked like a mess,” a source hilariously recanted. “He was kissing both of the guys, bouncing back and forth between them and acting loony.”

Mom Thought He Was Straight? Part 4: Truman Capote

GC-TrumanCapoteTH.jpg They called them “theatrical” or “perpetual bachelors,” but we call them GAY-and we’ve always been a little baffled looking back at the proto-homos of yore and wondered how their big secret got so well kept. We understand that before AIDS and parades we weren’t exactly on the suburban radar, but COME ON NOW. After the jump, we continue our series on pioneering gays who used to be called, simply, “a little funny.”

V Magazine Launches 2008 Male Model Search With Hedi Slimane And If You Stop Eating Now, Maybe You’ll Have A Shot In Hell

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This season, New York fashion tome V Magazine asks, “DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE ON THE COVER OF VMAN?” If “what it takes” means “translucent skin, goth tattoos, and manorexia” and you just exclaimed “YES!” then it looks like you may be getting your lucky break. In a sequel to the publication’s successful modeling competition “V a Model,” they’re partnering with Hedi Slimane and Ford Models to launch a second search focusing squarely on the boys. Considering the fact that the first winner, Amanda Laine, earned a shoot with Mario Testino, an opening runway slot at Miu Miu and McQueen, and closed out the Louis Vuitton show (holy shit), it’s safe to say the stakes are high. The search is a breath of fresh air from the pay-cable spectacles of humiliation we’ve grown accustomed to monitoring, as not only will the prize outdo anything we’re likely to witness on the tube, but contestants probably won’t be forced to castrate themselves in front of Naomi Campbell either. The eye-candy is even hotter too, if the top 10 is any indication in the user-based voting system. Our bets are on Bob Marley-lover Daniel Neeson. Cast your application or vote at VMagazine.com.

Bearded Lady Preggers in Oregon

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Haha. Actually, it’s trans man Thomas Beatie who has been given the tabloid-like “pregnant man” moniker, and you should understand up front that in getting gender reassignment surgery a few years back Tom opted only for “top” surgery, not “bottom” in anticipation of getting a bun in the oven. But yeah, the medical community around Oregon is flipping the fuck out.

B-Roll Brilliance: Campus Pizza (Titan, 2007)

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Porn b-roll, especially in Joe Gage-directed films, can sometimes contain some long, awkward silences–as well as stunning performances. This clip from Campus Pizza features a befuddled but hunky Dean Flynn as he’s roped into a game of strip poker.  The real head scratcher here is, without any betting, or bluffing, or calling, how does Dean know that he loses every hand? Nonetheless, the sexual tension builds as Mason Wyler watches and Dean strips off all three of his articles of clothing.

Tranny Fierceness And Gratuitous Male Nudity Keep Bravo On Gay TiVOs Everywhere

MM-mmasTH.jpg On last week’s episode of Make Me A Supermodel, one of the two final girls was voted off by America, leaving one sole female competitor to duke it out against the three remaining dudes. Having already gained a gay following due to its subplot involving the lone gay contestant’s slow seduction of one of his straight competitors, Bravo upped the ante this week by bringing in Naomi Campbell and Project Runway‘s breakout designer Christian Siriano as guest judges (fierce) and also by putting the final four into an elemental photo shoot during which photographer Matthew Rolston cut Ben’s briefs off with a pair of scissors and made Perry dress up like a goth tranny and tuck his junk in between his legs (FIERCER)!  While his bravery as a model and twisted pose may have paid off in the eyes of the judges, we still think Ben’s image (inspired by wind) was totally Bruce Weber and Ronnie’s muddy shoot (representing earth) was just dirty enough to make us pause the episode and stare for a minute. Check out the three hotties that remain after the jump while we make bets about how the NBC offshoot cable station will out-gay themselves once this all wraps up in the coming weeks.

Fleet Week Fuels Rumors, But Falcon Not Going Bareback

In-ErikrhodesFleetweekTH.jpg When Falcon sent out the trailer for the upcoming film Fleet Week, longtime fans and industry wags were treated to something they haven’t seen in a Falcon feature in decades — oral cum shots. While Falcon is not the first studio to re-introduce oral cum shots, it’s certainly the biggest and possibly the most influential. Will the other studios follow suit?

Worst in Gay Marketing: Condom Ads

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Condoms, much like beer, are the purview of both gay and straight. When selling to the hetero populous, all manufacturers have to do is remind them how awful children can be.  As far as marketing to the gays, the things ought to sell themselves (AIDS, anyone?), but condom sellers, particularly outside the U.S. have occasionally made advertisements specifically aimed at us. After the jump we take a look at a few examples, as well as a couple new print ads aimed at American audiences.

Ashton Kutcher Turns Fake For V MAN, So Does His Package


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Mario Testino photographed Ashton Kutcher for the Spring/Summer cover of V MAN Magazine as part of a spread curiously entitled “I’M NOT REAL.” Is it just us, or is that Ashton’s symmetrically optimized bulge talking? We know that Calvin Klein hasn’t started to make padded, shape-enhancing briefs for men, but since this sci-fi scene takes place in a fashion world overrun by Photoshop and special effects makeup, we’re wondering if the bulge that has blogs abuzz might be the result of a snugly-placed set prop. 

365gay.com: The Great Snoozeflash Aggregator

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While we do not argue with the idea that there is such a thing as “gay news” or at least “news items of gay interest” (especially when they involve drag queens or hookers), we do take issue with the boring-ass shit that 365gay.com throws up on their homepage every day. Maybe gays have more slow news days than straights. Maybe we’re just easily bored. In any case, after the jump, here are a few of today’s blow-me-down snooze-flashes.

La Pequena Does Hillary Clinton to Hillary Duff

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Rod Barry may have dropped her for someone younger and hairier, but La Pequeña is still setting the ‘tubes ablaze with her playfully ironic drag numbers reminiscent of David Lynch’s best. In this brief music video, she dons a blonde wig and spins a mini globe like she owns the world, Clinton-style.

LondonBoy Pete Wins Best Escort at The Hookies

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Ever since the demise of HooBoy’s now-defunct escort review site, flush johns have had a hard time figuring out how to get the most bang for their buck. Thankfully, the Rentboy Escort Awards (colloqially known as “The Hookies”) is filling in the gap. The second annual award show took place this weekend at Club Rage in West Hollywood with hookers dressed in a load of hot-mesh.

Jason Curious was there to give us the blow-by-blow (thankfully, he doesn’t charge), crowning guest star Bobby Trendy as “Worst Dressed” and himself as Best. (“It’s supposed to be one big crazy party and the whole thing is kind of funny, so wear something that lets people know you’re in on the joke. …I have to say, I’m one of the only people who

In Stunning Twist, One of Those Way Gay ‘Gossip Girl’ Boys Turns Out to Be Gay

CS-GossipGirlGayCharacterTH.jpg In a move reminiscent of daytime soaps, the prime-time WB drama Gossip Girl is spreading rumors that one of its teenage male characters is going to come out as gay in an upcoming episode.  By golly, which one of these prim, pouty, semi-effeminate butt pirates could it possibly be?  Commenters on AfterElton.com (a crew we fear is about hair’s breadth from becoming cat-collecting shut-ins who listen to Derek & Romaine while they drink Razzmatazz and write stalky emails to Hugh Jackman) concur that it’s probably Erik van der Woodsen, Serena’s suicidal younger brother.

Peaches Christ Says Mass for JC

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San Francisco drag superstar Peaches Christ runs her Midnight Mass movie series every summer, but her baby picture was so damned cute that we thought we’d celebrate Easter with a look at the ultimate supplicant: Christina Crawford. In this clip from her Midnight Mass TV Show, PC waxes eloquent on the holy parents, suffering children and the crucifixion of Faye Dunaway in the press.

  

No Love From the State Department For Hyphenate Homos

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If you’re living in one of those blue states where they let you gay-marry (or unionize civilly), don’t be thinking you can change your name on your passport once you choose to become a hyphenate. Jason Hair-Wynn, an AIDS-counselor and all around do-gooder from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, tried to apply for a new passport with his new hyphenated last name (question: is the first name always the top?) and got DE-nied based on that federal trump card, the Defense of Marriage Act.  Sorry, Jason.  Rilly.  And you look so pathetic in this photo, like they just took away your pony and all hope that the U.S. government might ever give a flying fuck about you and your right to a gay husband and 2.5 hyphenate children with liberal-superiority complexes.

Dark Alley Releases Jesus Porn In Time for Easter

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Dark Alley may have crossed over to the barebacking dark
side, but even when the studio was using condoms they were no stranger to
controversy. In that grand tradition, the NJ-based studio is releasing the
holiday spectacular Passio (link NSFW) just in time for Easter … and oh, how he
has risen!

In the feature, Jesus is taken off the cross only to attack and rape the
supplicant who saves him. Von Fistenberg considers himself a Catholic and originally planned to have a half-naked man carry
a cross through downtown Manhattan.

Weekend Event Roundup: March 21-23


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Care of The Sword’s tireless editors, we bring you this roundup (by
no means complete, or even-handed) of stuff going on for those of the
homo persuasion this weekend in the two meccas we currently have
bandwidth to cover, San Francisco and New York.  Check back soon to see
us cover more gay urban centers near you (sorry, Cheyenne, we may never
get to you).

Our heavily editorialized listings after the jump…

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