Sword Says

The Sword Guide to Gay Party Drugs, Installment 4: Ecstasy

GC-EcstasyTH.jpg Remember that scene in Go (1999) where Sarah Polly sells Benadryl to those teenagers and tells them it’s E and they sit in the van an hour later going, “I think I feel something!” and “Is it, like, a wave, or more of a zoom?” That was funny.

Ecstasy was super hot in the 90s, but judging from the pile of orange slices on offer at the last circuit party we breezed through (guest list, stood horrified, left within twenty minutes), and the way those twinks were rubbing each other like demented kittens in line for the bathroom, amateurs are still rolling in droves.

The Hot Boxxx Girls

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Aunt Charlie’s Lounge
133 Turk Street
San Francisco

10 PM til 12:30ish, Fridays and Saturdays

Get your dollar bills ready as the girls pull out
all the stops (and at least five costume changes apiece) at this
old-school, non-ironic dragztravaganza.

SF Gays Add Staph to Fats and Femmes

While other staph-afflicted urban centers like Boston and New York are frantically posting public service announcements about the disease on Craigslist, men in San Francisco have a different agenda, using “staph-free” and “No staph” as a way to get laid. A quick search of Craigslist M4M in Boston, New York and Los Angeles turns up nothing but well-meaning alerts about the new MRSA strain that’s been spreading among gay men. Even seemingly sexy enticements (“Hot Sex in Chelsea — 25”) turn out to be warnings in disguise.

The 5 Low-Lights of Heath Ledger’s Mourning Glory

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We, and just about every other news outlet on the planet, reported yesterday on the “tragic,” “shocking” and “devastating” death of Heath Ledger.  But, frankly, we’ve become as fascinated by the proliferation of the media’s over-wrought and bad-tasting mourning as we are the one-time gay cowboy’s convoluted demise.  Twenty-nine hours after the announcement, we present these five newsy low-lights of post-Ledger crepe-hanging.

WA State Looking to Establish Gay Divorce Before Gay Marriage

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We’re apparently not the only Negative Nancys around who always foresee the end of a relationship before it even begins.  State lawmakers in Olympia, Washington unveiled legislation on Tuesday that would extend the state’s already established domestic partnership rights to include provisions for separation or divorce as well.  The legislation would establish community property rights, probate protections and joint responsibility for debts for domestic partners, as well as extending end-of-life rights, nursing-home visitation, veterans benefits and spousal testimonial privileges now held only by hetero marrieds.  Openly gay state Representative Jamie Peterson (D-Seattle) says, “[it’]s just an issue of basic fairness,” and we would have to agree.

YouTuber Accuses Barack Obama of Being a Gay Crackhead in 1999


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The first sexual harassment allegation has popped up in regard to one of the 2008 Presidential candidates this year, and we’re not even all the way through January! With all of the drag queens itching to go down on Barack in the backseat of a limo (or behind the stage of Trannyshack), it comes as something of a shock that this homely son of a bitch somehow slipped above Obama’s standards. Just think of what Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers could have accomplished if only they were afforded the futuristic voodoo of webcams and uploaded media-sharing mega-sites. Maybe with hordes of commenting viewers on their sides (or not) they could have reached the level of infamy that LarrySinclair0926 is achieving. Despite the fact that what he’s saying is suspect (come on, who would spring for crack over powder?), he’s reading from cue-cards, and the fact that his voice sounds suspiciously like Bobby Trendy’s, we at least know we have a potential star on our hands. Scandal-shmandal! No one’s paying attention to the election when there are new internet celebrities to clock in on! After the jump, watch LarrySinclair0926’s allegations in all of their badly-lit, uncertain, streaming glory.

Heath Ledger, 28, Found Dead in SoHo Apartment

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Another young beauty has gone down for the Big Sleep.  Page Six reports that 28-year-old actor Heath Ledger was found dead today in a Broome Street apartment of an apparent drug overdose.  Ledger’s film career tended toward independent projects, and his final film appearance may turn out to be the Batman Begins sequel, The Dark Knight, in which he stars as The Joker (scary pic after the jump).

The Sword Guide to Gay Party Drugs: Cocaine

GC-CocaineEltongHP.jpg It’s that time of year when urban gays across the nation begin making their resolutions.  Some may vow not to use their credit cards anymore.  Others might delete their Manhunt profiles and pledge to stop randomly hooking up with anyone who thinks they’re hot.  A goodly number, though, have probably resolved in the last few weeks to lay off the Devil’s Dandruff. The Bolivian marching powder. The booga shuga.  You know – blow.  Just to give you all a hand in sticking to your guns, we offer this field guide to the great leveler of personalities that is cocaine.

CDC: Not All Fags Diseased Whores

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In a statement released this week, the Centers for Disease Control issued an apologetic-sounding coda to the study recently released by the Annals of Internal Medicine regarding the new, antibiotic-resistant strain of staph bacteria infection among MSM (Men who have Sex with Men) in San Francisco and Boston.

Zac Efron, Mrs. Obama Both Trannies, Says Drag Queen

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Contentious presidential candidate and drag performer Hedda Lettuce is once again vying for sensational headlines in the blogosphere, and we at The Sword are happy to oblige.  In consecutive blog posts yesterday and today, Ms. Lettuce suggested that teen heartthrob Efron was not in fact hospitalized for an appendectomy, as was publicized, but that “he went in and had his penis removed and replaced with a shiny new vagina. Or maybe they just freshened up his old vagina.”

Huckabee: Gay Marriage Slippery Slope to Interspecies Unions

huckabee.jpg Republican Presidential hopeful and former whale Mike Huckabee compared homosexuality to animal fucking today in an interview with Belief.net, stating his worry over the slippery slope our society might careen down should civil unions between gays become legalized. After expressing his desire to amend the constitution to read more like the Old Testament, Huckabee offered the following pearl necklace of wisdom:


Chrome

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The Gangway
841 Larkin Street

San Francisco

Third Saturdays, 10PM

The kids who bring you Trans Am on the 1st Saturday of the month bring you this sister party, on third Saturdays, for the homo bicycle
mafia and their Converse-clad admirers up in Polk Gulch. 

Brad Renfro Found Dead at Age 25


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In a shocking and sad bit of news, TMZ.com broke the story yesterday that 25-year-old actor Brad Renfro was found dead in his apartment after a night out drinking with friends. Known prominently for his breakout childhood performance in The Client, Renfro later went on to perform in movies like Apt Pupil, Larry Clark’s Bully, Ghost World, and also portrayed the role of Huck Finn in the 1995 Hollywood adaptation of the Mark Twain classic. Although Renfro had a known drug problem (he was arrested in 2006 for attempting to buy heroin), the cause of death remains unknown.

Michael Lucas Mugs for Magazine Cover, Molests Co-Star


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Our favorite media-blitzing entre-porn-eur Michael Lucas “graces the cover”* of Genre Magazine’s January/February 2008 issue, on newsstands currently. The issue marks the latest in a long line of publicity for the Lucas Entertainment CEO/star, whom inarguably loves the spotlight as much as he loves his suspiciously anonymous boyfriend. “My boyfriend is the hottest man I’ve ever had,” Lucas tells Genre. “He understands me totally, and I am 100% dedicated to him.”

Not Only Do We Take it in the Ass, But We Can’t Even Fucking Drive Now


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There’s no place like homophobia in the media! It seems that some news outlets are taking a study recently conducted by the University of London on spatial awareness and gender and giving it a makeover. The post-op result? The Telegraph of London has astutely interpreted the study to mean that women and the gays are bad drivers. We admit that getting one out of the two correct isn’t half bad (although it actually, literally is) but in our own defense: maybe we’d become better drivers if there were more gay car commercials. Oh wait… there are some already?

Yikes. Well then, I guess it’s because we’re drunk all the time.

For more on our incalculable inadequacies, proceed at your own risk.

Candidates to Gays: Drop Wed!

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The presidential candidates are madly on the stump for the next few weeks, and in getting a little service-y for you, our homo readership, we at The Sword decided to sum up what these nine presidential hopefuls have to say on gay marriage, and gay rights in general.  Since Karl Rove isn’t involved this time, the homosexual agenda has not exactly been a front-and-center issue lately-but just you wait!  Expect all of them to throw us under the bus any day now, with the possible exception of drag queens Hedda Lettuce and Rudy Giuliani (who, in fact, lived with some gays after his last divorce and has donned ladies’ attire more than once in the last decade).  A few brief quotes, after the jump.

DADDY MAGAZINE’S DANCE PARTY

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Berlin, Germany

January 25

Javier Peres is one of the hottest international art gallerists with his Peres Projects located in Berlin, Los Angeles, and Athens. After launching DADDY the magazine, Peres has also become known for his full-tilt dance parties that commemorate the release of each issue. Guest edited by a different artist each time, the latest issue “Black Daddy” was curated by Franz West and contains imagery ranging from Jeff Koons’s statue of Michael Jackson and Bubbles, to Lindsay Lohan’s vagina, to Sid Vicious, to the corpses of Columbine killers Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. Details are TBA, so check back at their website for more information. www.daddythemagazine.com

Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend


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Washington D.C.

January 18-21

Why settle for AEE when lovers of leather can have their own convention? Washington D.C.’s Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend is sponsored by Folsom Street Fair, and brings that new car smell to the Plaza Hotel. Browse whips, shackles, and bondage gear by day, and take it all off at one of the weekend’s fetish dance parties by night. We find it inspirational that even in starkest winter, leather daddies are content to sport nothing but chest hair, chokers, leather jock straps all in the name of making a statement. www.leatherweekend.com

Think Pink at Bed Supper Club


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Bangkok, Thailand

January 13, 20, and 27

Think Pink at Bangkok’s own BED Supper Club is the nightclub destination for all of the city’s most fabulous fags. Featuring burlesque performances, drag emcees, and resident DJs Eddie Frampton and Fred Jungo, Think Pink is a gay oasis that’ll have you feeling at home no matter how far from it you really are. www.bedsupperclub.com

The Spice Girls Play Manchester


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MEN Arena
Manchester, England

January 23, 24, & 26

Isn’t it funny that the torch bearers of worldwide girl power are playing at a venue called MEN Arena? Well, there ought to be enough gays in attendance to live up to the namesake, at least. They may no longer be power girls in a 90s world, but between them they’ve got a bestselling fashion tome, a gorgeous soccer star husband, somewhere around seven children, a baby scandal with Eddie Murphy and over 55 million albums sold. It was just the other day when an aggressive Spice Girls megamix leapt out of our iPod Shuffle reminding us of what exactly made them the Fab 5 in the first place. Catch them if you can, and be sure to bring enough zig-a-zig-ahhhh. www.thespicegirls.com

Arosa Gay Ski Week


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Arosa Ski Resort
Gemeindeverwaltung Arosa
Rathaus
Postfach 165
7050 Arosa
Arosa, Switzerland

January 5-11

This highly popular gay ski week takes place at Arosa, which rests right at the top of a 6,000-foot Swiss valley. Spend the day enjoying the slopes, ski back to your room with a Swiss mister, or simply go to check out the parties. Always sunny, always snowing, it sounds too good to be true because it probably is: hurry up before you miss it. www.arosa-gayskiweek.com

Beef Dip


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Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

January 27 – February 3

No, Beef Dip isn’t some grotesque relic left over from spending the holidays at my Aunt Barbara’s house, it’s a bunch of bears from around the world coming together in Puerto Vallarta to party and hang out together on the beach. Duh!www.beefdip.com

Milan Fashion Week at the Triennale Design Museum

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Triennale Design Museum
Viale Alemagna 6
Invitation Only
January 12

It’s nice to know men come first in fashion in at least one regard: our Fall ready-to-wear collections debut before any of the women’s wear, and whether you’re pining for Prada (pictured left, from the Spring ’08 collection) or fiending for Fendi, Milan is where the menswear rules the runway. It’s even set us on an alliterative rampage. Fashion week runs the 12th through the 15th, starting with a bash at the Triennale Design Museum thrown by Sak’s Fifth Avenue in conjunction with The Wall Street Journal. www.cameramode.it

Zinegoak Film Festival

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Bilbao, Spain

January 20-25

Beginning in 2004, Zinegoak Film Festival showed 25 GLBT films in one screening room over the course of four days. This year, the festival takes place at four theaters, showing 95 films over five days in Bilbao before traveling off to assorted Bizkain villages. Spend time watching international queer cinema in Bilbao, home of the infamous Frank Gehry-designed Guggenheim museum, where you can stop in and check out some Richard Serra sculptures between screenings. If all this art and design fails to keep you entertained, thank God for good old fashioned Spanish gentlemen! www.zinegoak.com

Hustlaball


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Club Krave
Planet Hollywood Casino & Hotel
3663 S. Las Vegas Blvd.
Las Vegas, NV

January 11th

Every year, all of the hottest porn stars on the planet make a pilgrimage to mecca, otherwise known as Las Vegas, for the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo. While the plebeian gentry of Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales swapped stories along their journey, our more contemporary visitors swap business cards and bodily fluids. But alas, when in Hustlaball, do as the hustlers do! Just be sure to check out the live stage shows before you go back to your dens of rented iniquity. www.HustlaBall.com

Utah Gay and Lesbian Ski Week


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Park City, Utah

January 9-13

With gay and lesbian ski weeks traversing the globe, what better place to hunker down and commence snowballing than in Park City? Running through the 13th, Community Visions’ Gay and Lesbian Ski Week has an itinerary bursting with lunches, cocktail parties and assorted meet and greets that’ll have your sun goggles transmitting psychedelic rainbows so brightly that you might fall off of a chairlift (that is, if trying to successfully attempt a handjob doesn’t do the trick first). Stick around for five more days and you might catch a glimpse of the Hollywood winter jamboree of the Sundance Film Festival, spy Emile Hirsch getting a Starbucks, and maybe walk away with a free gift bag or two. www.communityvisions.org

Related: Snowballing (Gentlemen’s Video)

New Cream to Kill Bear Community’s Long Love Affair With Crotch Stink

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The misguided shyster who purchased the domain ismellperfect.com is currently marketing a product called NodorOâ„¢, a cream intended to combat male crotch odor and thereby threatening to destroy one of the basic tenets of gay bear culture. With the tagline, “Lose the odor, not your lover,” the ad campaign is clearly targeted at the more hygienically inclined amongst the gays (and, also clearly, at straight men, and the uncut).

Cher Turns Men Gay, Helps Them Come Out

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In the wake of the writers’ strike, Cher and Chastity Bono have reportedly been shopping around a new reality television program in which they help closeted homos confront their friends and families. Critics have been quick to seize on the famously fractious relationship that followed Chastity’s own coming out, during which Cher kicked her daughter out of the house. The now sober Chastity was once reported to be drinking cooking sherry, before moving on to more sophisticated tastes like Oxycontin and cheeseburgers.  

Bobby Trendy Rears His Sparkly Head


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When Britney Spears was rushed to Cedars-Sinai, Dr. Phil wasn’t the only ambulance-chaser in tow. Indeed, Bobby Trendy, the infamously tragic interior decorator that Anna Nicole Smith once fired (and whose coattails he’s still riding post-mortem), decided to take time out of his steady lipgloss application to hold a candlelight “visual” for the fallen idol outside of the L.A.-area medical center. For those who can’t decode that term, “candlelight visual” evidently refers to the act of holding a candlelight vigil, while physically holding a visual aid, all the while dressed in a belated holiday outfit that may hurt your vision.

All flouncy faggotry aside, Bobby does make a point when he compares Brit-Brit’s plight with the “Anna Nicole saga”. Could this bedazzled z-lister be some type of malapropistic prophet signifying Britney’s end of days?

Click over to TMZ.com for the video.

Drag Star Hedda Lettuce Quits, Rejoins Presidential Race

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When she isn’t visiting Britney in the hospital, NY performer Hedda Lettuce has been pounding the pavement on the campaign trail in a valiant bid for the presidency, but this past weekend saw the drag legend almost throwing in the towel after a poor showing in the Iowa caucuses.  In two consecutive blog posts, Lettuce resigned the race in favor of pursuing a list of other goals (“learning how to bake, needlepoint, drug mule, cult leader”) and then courageously rescinded her resignation, saying “I will continue to campaign… until someone puts a gun to my head.”

Porno Bingo

WillClarkPornoTHUMB.jpgWednesday, January 9th
9th Avenue Bistro
693 9th Avenue

9PM to 11PM

Will Clark’s Wednesday night Porno Bingo game is always a great opportunity to meet, possibly make out with, and definitely get drunk, with some of your favorite stars of the sticky screen.

‘Radar’ Uncovers Gay Agenda in ‘OUT’

TC-RadarAirCanadaTH.jpg Mainstream advertisers have been courting homosexuals for years, but apparently this is news to the editors of Radar. Like a titillated tween gasping at the not-so-coy references in The Canterbury Tales, or a hard-up college professor detailing the hidden lez in a Willa Cather novel, Radar bravely confronts “subtly coded” gay advertising in mainstream publications. The only problem? Most of these ads ran in Out and the Advocate and the meanings are about as subtle as a Pride parade.

PA Scientists Prove Two-Beer Queer Theory

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Demonstrating that those wily freshmen twinks are indeed ahead of than their never-been-kissed nerd brethren, scientists unveiled that the secret to getting straight men into bed is… alcohol. Researchers at Pennsylvania State University in University Park observed that male Drosophila fruit flies engaged in homosexual activity when under the influence of alcohol, and by the third day had succumbed to gang-bang-style “courtship-chains.”  No word on whether they did the elephant walk after the Zeta Phi Beta Three-Day.

In a separate study, drunk female fruit flies spent their evenings cutting themselves and reading Anaïs Nin.

New York Unveils New Youth Fad: AIDS!

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Anyone who’s tried hooking up on Manhunt or Craigslist in the last decade, has encountered a mystery: How can so many young people bareback without contracting HIV? Thanks to a new report, we now know the answer: they can’t! They get AIDS just like everyone else!

Spencer Pratt Refuses Gay Porn Offer

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Semi-lebrity Spencer Pratt has refused Michael Lucas’s lecherous advances, telling In Touch magazine that he won’t leave the lucrative world of reality TV “until I am 100.”

While actual details are sketchy and smell vaguely of poppers and fever
dream sweat, Lucas had allegedly propositioned The Hills “star,”
suggesting that he’d be perfect for a gay porn blockbuster.

Sex Toy Story: 8 Gifts For the Lonely


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Has the vivisection that is holiday shopping robbed you of your holiday spirit? With less than a week until we all hunker down at Mom’s, rifle through the medicine cabinet, bogart a bottle of champagne and wake up dazed in a living nativity somewhere down the street, time is running out to get our loved ones what they really want from us. Of course, a porn site membership will successfully impress your gaggle of gay friends, but for your most special partner, nothing says “Season’s Greetings” like reaming him in the ass with a giant red and white candy-cane vibrator! Alright fruitcakes, we give you (after the jump): Our Holiday Wishlist!

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